What Does it mean to be
“Parenting with Spirit?”
by Judith Costello, MA, ATR-BC

Parenting with Spirit means to parent with enthusiasm, to parent using intuition, to parent with the aid of a Higher Power. This title is meant to suggest that parenting can be a spiritual experience, a path towards God.

"How?" you might ask. "How do we make the experiences of arguing sibling or a three-year-old’s temper tantrum into a 'spiritual experience?'" We have certainly not been raised to think that God can be found in diaper changing. We tend to think that the "spiritual path" is a time of monastic-like contemplation or travels to a distant land in search of a guru or the challenging of one's essence in such things as mountain climbing.

Yet the elements of a spiritual journey are there in the parenting experience: Just like the journey to the mountaintop, parenting will challenge us to the core. We don't know what the view will be like from the "top;" children will challenge us to take a good look at what we believe and who we are. And, if we pay very close attention, we can see the Divine daily! Parenting is a path most people will experience in their lifetime; therefore, it is the most accessible way for us to take that hike up the path towards a more genuine relationship with the Divine. Yet, for most, the experience of raising children, while also facing job struggles and the stresses of modern life, makes the possibility of a spiritual path through parenting totally obscured. That road is invisible or loaded with obstacles.

TIME: Certainly the biggest obstacle is TIME. It seems impossible to do all the things we try to do in this modern world. Women and men are called to be superheroes flying from home to work to community activities to children's activities to household needs and back to home again. A spiritual awareness requires attention and quiet. It requires time. I have been teaching myself how to take time for my spirit. First, I try to take time at the beginning and end of every day for quiet reflection. Both with my children and alone I make time to consider the opportunities of a new day and try to let it unfold slowly. At night the children and I review what has happened and appreciate the opportunities we have had. The more we take time for such reflection and gratitude the more we fully experience those moments of beauty.

BELIEFS: Life will unfold according to our beliefs so it is very important that we know what those beliefs are. Our children respond instinctively to such silent messages. If we believe that our children are "problems" they will become just that. When we listen to teachers who say, "He can't sit still. I think he is hyperactive," or when we listen to the clerk who says, "Can't you control that brat?" we are incorporating an image of the "problem child." The challenge is to know that our children are spiritual beings striving to love and be loved without denying when they have issues that need to be addressed. When I see my son as the beautiful being that he truly is, he tends to act accordingly. When I see him in more negative terms he also acts accordingly.

AWARENESS: Parenting can be an experience that we take for granted, that we endure with occasional special moments, OR it can be an opportunity for growth, a way to learn about GOD. The difference is in AWARENESS. The difference is in finding an inner quiet in the midst of chaos. It is in stillness that we find God and we begin to see the godliness of our children. Just this morning I wanted to finish up some housecleaning chores but instead I took a moment to sit down and hold Peter in my lap. Then Brigit, who is sixteen months old, paraded before us trying to put on a hat. She walked in circles, her form of dancing, while she kept readjusting a hat that would slide into her face. She looked out from under it slyly. Peter and I laughed together. It was a special time that I would have missed if I had been busy cleaning. It takes lots of patience and acceptance of “what is” in order to find time for such moments. (My house isn’t very clean as a result!) It takes practice to find inner stillness when the children aren’t being cute but, rather, are being demanding.

Spirit is there: We all have access to Spirit guidance and our lives would run so much more smoothly if we took advantage of this source. For most of us, I believe that the reason we don’t use this source more frequently is because we weren’t raised to believe in it. It takes practice. It requires intention. Parenting can become a spiritual journey if we intend to make it one!! All such journeys require a disciplined practice. It is not easy but it is certainly worth it.

The world will become a healthier place when the next generation is “parented with spirit!”

About the Editor of Parenting with Spirit: Judith Costello is a registered art therapist and the creator of Parenting with Spirit. She is the mother of two children – Peter who is five and Brigit who is almost two. Judith is also a freelance writer and exhibiting artist from Taos, New Mexico.

A Mother’s Plea
by Judith Costello ©2000
Please feel free to pass this on to all the people who may care for your child.

When you meet my son, don’t judge him. Love him.
When you meet my child, don’t try to correct his behavior. Remember that he may be “acting out” for your benefit. Children test everyone they encounter. Will you be harsh with this child you do not even know? Even I, who shared my body with this child for nine months cannot claim to KNOW him. I do not even claim to fully know myself. Please suspend your judgments of both of us.
When you meet my child, the greatest gift you can give him is to get down on the floor and play at his level. Let him lead you around by the hand. Let him be in charge for awhile. At first he will be full of energy and will want to jump on you and wrestle mildly. You may not like that. But if you truly enter his world he will show you the wonders of the universe.
He will take you out to look for bugs. Have you ever held a horny toad lizard? Have you ever really taken the time to smell wild sage? When was the last time you jumped from stone to stone laughing at how well you can do it? He will analyze the mud and show you how the apparently solid chunks will break up into dust in his hands. And if you listen carefully, if you fully enter his world, he will tell you about yourself.
When you meet my child, please remember that he is a spiritual being. When you are impatient, when you are judgmental, you wound his very soul. Please refrain from doing that!
When you meet my child, read him a book as if it was the most exciting thing you ever read. It is to him.
When you meet my child, tell him a story from your life. Include lots of cars because that is what he likes.
When you meet my child, remember that you were once a child just like him. You wanted to be listened to. You wanted respect. Give these gifts to the child before you and you will also nurture your inner child.
When you meet my child, love him please. He will give you incredible love in return.

This piece comes from the magazine Parenting with Spirit, a quarterly magazine dedicated to understanding child-rearing from a spiritual perspective. To find out more see our website at www.parentingwithspirit.com or call Judith at 505-751-4952.

“Secret Art” for Children in Transition
by Judith Costello, MA, art therapist

Children who are experiencing any kind of transition – divorce, a death in the family, a new school, a move – need help in coping with a jumble of feelings. To begin to identify and express these feelings doing artwork often helps. Once feelings are communicated they loose their hold on us. On the other had when we don’t identify the feelings of transition they often take over and dictate our children’s actions.

To begin to deal with the hidden feelings of transition, we can encourage children to draw with white crayons, or oil pastels, on white paper. That is the secret. White on white represents the hidden pain. Ask the child to draw lines or images of the feelings hidden inside them. They will remain hidden on the paper as well. Then when we are ready we share the secret.

Ask the child to paint over the whole piece of paper with a watercolor wash. The colors of the paint bring out the hidden images and words. Suddenly the feelings are more apparent. They are now available to another person for shared understanding.

Jagged lines often indicate pain. It can be anger, fear and sadness all together. A heart can be a cry for love. “Show me that you love me,” the child may be saying. Boxes may indicate a sense of being trapped. And images that come in two’s may represent the big division of a divorce.

Creativity can be a powerful healing force for children as secret pain is released onto paper.